Jon Evans
More posts from Jon Evans
Merry Christmas! 2015 was a truly great year in technology, bringing us self-driving electric cars, reusable orbital rockets, the rise of precision gene editing… and some lesser achievements. Since nothing of interest will happen in the next four days, I have decided to jump the gun; today I announce my annual dubious achievement awards, named, in a fit of awe-inspiring humility, after myself.
And so, with little further ado, heavily inspired by The Sids, I give you the eleventh thirteenth eighty-seventh first annual Jon Awards for Dubious Technical Achievement! Not yet as prestigious as The Crunchies, true. But give ‘em time.
THE FOOT-IN-MOUTH-AND-KNIFE-IN-HAND AWARD FOR MALAPROPIC ONTOLOGY
To Sean Rad of Tinder, for saying “sodomy” when he meant “sapiosexual,” and then, in the very same interview, personally attacking a journalist rather than her work.
Tinder CEO Sean Rad is looking for intellectualism or sodomy, not sure which. https://t.co/hBxHveVKTP pic.twitter.com/UXUaznm0zu
— Gawker (@Gawker) November 18, 2015
Tinder CEO insults @nancyjosales for doing journalism. “there’s some stuff about her as an individual…" https://t.co/bC42Bw3Dhn
Really?— Robert Levine (@RobertBLevine_) November 18, 2015
THE I KEEP TELLING YOU I’M NOT CREEPY WHY WON’T YOU BELIEVE ME AWARD FOR PANOPTICONISM
To the FBI, the NSA, Britain’s GCHQ, and pretty much every other government agency out there.
This War On Math Is Bullshit https://t.co/YRE8cRBsMf by @rezendi
— TechCrunch (@TechCrunch) December 5, 2015
THE S.E.C. AIN’T NUTHING TA FUCK WIT’ AWARD FOR PUBLIC SERVICE
To Martin Shkreli, for inadvertently doing us all a favor, by highlighting the insane regulatory incentive structure of the American pharmaceutical industry.
Last week I tweeted that what Martin exemplified, was how systematically broken pharma is. This is what I meant. https://t.co/9lWJYgADad
— Zavain Dar (@zavaindar) December 19, 2015
Great, actionable advice to address systematic company, FDA, and citizen misalignment in pharma, via @AGoulburn https://t.co/mzliCacnt7
— Zavain Dar (@zavaindar) December 21, 2015
THE WE ARE ALL SATOSHI NAKAMOTO AWARD FOR DISTRIBUTED CONSENSUS
To Gavin Andresen and Mike Hearn, for releasing their Bitcoin XT fork into the wild over the objections of the majority of Bitcoin core developers. “Consensus is hard,” indeed.
Nice #Bitcoin vs #BitcoinXT explanation https://t.co/f6HohKVuXN
— LauRRRRRent (@_LR_) December 23, 2015
THE JACOB TWO-TWO AND THE HOODED FANG AWARD FOR INEFFICIENT MARKETS
To Facebook, Apple, Netflix, and Google, for concealing 2015’s “sub rosa bear market.”
https://twitter.com/ReformedBroker/status/679678116806066176
THE GOOD GOING, GOING, GONE AWARD FOR FAIR MARKET VALUE
To the board of Good Technology, for snubbing an $825 million cash offer and selling for half that six months later. To BlackBerry. Oh, the indignity.
I wrote about Good. https://t.co/tv3RAYiici
— Matt Levine (@matt_levine) December 23, 2015
THE I WOULDN’T MIND SO MUCH IF YOU WEREN’T SO BORING AWARD FOR INDUSTRIAL GENTRIFICATION
To the privileged “pretty people” flocking to the tech industry purely because it has become the new aspirational finishing school for the upper-middle-class, and who seek to avoid risk and perpetuate the status quo, rather than use technology as an engine of change.
So good: "Beware The Pretty People," @rezendi at his best, a counterculture anthem for tech today: http://t.co/4jIeOYD8tW
— Semil (@semil) February 28, 2015
THE SEX IS BAD MMKAY AWARD FOR NEO-VICTORIANISM
To pretty much anyone who funds or provides anything, for continuing to treat all sex-tech as part of the unspeakable untouchable porn industry.
Society & the internet's big mistake: anything sexual is 'porn'. @rezendi @techcrunch Porn, Sex, Tech & Cindy Gallop http://t.co/ZVzv7D7Vol
— cindygallop.eth (@cindygallop) April 10, 2015
THE DR. GOLDENKEY, OR, HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BACK DOOR AWARD FOR INFORMED TECH POLICY
To Hillary Clinton and the editorial board of the Washington Post, for requesting a “Manhattan Project” for encryption surveillance that would presumably result in a “secure golden key.”
The Manhattan Project does not mean that you can order up any science you want if you spend enough moneyhttps://t.co/JH507woDiC
— Jonathan Korman 🟣 (@miniver) December 22, 2015
Technology Is Magic, Just Ask The Washington Post http://t.co/VgOBpNyJkq pic.twitter.com/1IvE4fd1FR
— cdixon.eth (@cdixon) July 26, 2015
THE NOW TRIPLE LUTZ THROUGH THIS FLAMING HOOP WHILE HEAPSORTING AWARD FOR HIRING CRITERIA
To any company who still relies primarily on traditional whiteboard interviews for recruiting. That’s so twentieth century. Please, people, get with the program.
Why do we keep doing whiteboard interviews, even though they tell us little about how good the applicant is at actual software development?
— Sarah Mei (@sarahmei) March 20, 2015
THE PEOPLE ARE MOST HILARIOUSLY THEMSELVES WHEN YOU GIVE THEM A MASK AND 140 CHARACTERS AWARD FOR CULTURAL COMMENTARY
To Startup L. Jackson, Swift On Security, and Bored Elon Musk. Long may you reign.
https://twitter.com/StartupLJackson/status/637999233086287872
Donald Trump could literally advocate Linux on the desktop and people would still vote for him.
— SwiftOnSecurity (@SwiftOnSecurity) December 7, 2015
Put QR codes on guns so no one will use them.
— BORED (@BoredElonMusk) June 18, 2015
THE JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE MOBILE-FIRST DOESN’T MEAN I WANT YOUR STUPID APP AWARD FOR PETTY ANNOYANCES
This one goes out to Yahoo!, for having been particularly bad at nagging users to download apps rather than access their mobile web sites. Things seem to have gotten marginally better over the last few months, but be advised, Yahoo!, I’m watching you.
I Do Not Want Your Stupid App http://t.co/mSINbXvH1V by @rezendi
— TechCrunch (@TechCrunch) October 3, 2015
THE I CONTINUALLY CAN’T BELIEVE THIS SHIT BUT IN A GOOD WAY AWARD FOR CONSCIOUSNESS EXPANSION
To the seemingly–hopefully–endless supply of left-field technological weirdos who continue to be awesomely ridiculous, and ridiculously awesome.
This Industry Is Still Completely Ridiculous (@rezendi – @techcrunch) http://t.co/FKpKXZMyjQ
— MediaREDEF (@MediaREDEF) January 25, 2015
Congratulations, of a sort, to the winners of the Jons! All recipients shall receive a bobblehead of myself made up as a Blue Man, as per the image on this post,1 which will doubtless become coveted and increasingly valuable collectibles. And, of course, all winners shall be remembered by posterity forevermore.
1Bobbleheads shall only be distributed if and when available and convenient. The eventual existence of said bobbleheads is not guaranteed or indeed even particularly likely. Not valid on days named after Norse or Roman gods.
Comment